A Year with the Contemplative Pilgrim
Step Eight: Made a list of those we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
"Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance." - Jude 1:2
As I prepare for my upcoming Camino pilgrimage, I am revisiting my recovery journey, using the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as a guide. Although I have been sober for many years, the wisdom of the Steps continues to serve as a daily reminder to maintain my serenity and personal growth.
During the long hours of walking ahead, I intend to engage in self-reflection rather than distracting myself with technology, podcasts, or music. Introspection, however, can be a double-edged sword. I sometimes find myself ruminating over real or imagined issues in my life or empathizing with others' pain to the extent that I neglect addressing my own discomfort. This is where the beauty of Step Eight lies.
In Step Eight, I am invited to revisit my failures with the intention of making amends. This process has several dimensions:
1. Remembering the Pain of Hurting Others: By reflecting on the injuries I have caused, I can empathize with the pain I have inflicted on others. This remembrance may stem from my selfish demands, intentional cruelty, or even physical or mental abuse. In this Step, I list all my past misdeeds that have harmed others. Though extremely painful, this process allows my conscience to reawaken from the intentional numbness that addiction provided, opening the door to a willingness to make amends to those I have wronged. In short, I once again become responsible for my actions.
2. Gradual Amends with Support: The wisdom of working the Steps with a sponsor is that one does not attempt to make all amends at once. As we will explore in Step Nine, I can only accept responsibility in manageable increments. Attempting to correct all past mistakes simultaneously would be overwhelming. The goal is not to rush through amending my past but rather to learn to be aware of how my behavior and attitudes affect others and to move from a narcissistic way of life to a more empathetic one.
3. Specificity and Accountability: Step Eight begins the process of moving my recovery from personal work to involving others, and it is designed to be programmed, concrete, and specific. I am instructed to "make a list" of "all those we have harmed," not those who have harmed me. Listing those I blame for hurting me would keep me in a victimized state. Instead, I focus on my actions, pushing me out of my extreme self-centered attitude.
4. Willingness to Change: Another remarkable aspect of Step Eight involves the word "willing." I must "become willing" to make amends to those I have injured. This process requires more than a rote apology; it involves examining my behavior, understanding how it affected others, and then becoming willing to take ownership of the harm I have caused. Again, it moves the addict from a self-centered attitude to an empathetic one. This is not a quick fix but a learning process.
Step Eight marks the beginning of the cleanup work within myself. It involves all the previous steps: an awareness of my inability to fix myself, a growing trust in a Higher Power to assist me, and a willingness to turn my experiences over to that Power. This then leads to self-examination, confession, acceptance of my behavior, and a desire to be healed of my character defects. Only then am I ready to reach outside myself to attempt to repair the misdeeds of my past.
Until next time,